Mercenary Martens Martyred at CERN

Warning: May contain disturbing images. Also gratuitous political commentary.

Scan from FT 350

Excerpt from a letter printed in Fortean Times 350 – February 2017

According to a letter printed in Fortean Times 350 (February 2017): “… the scientists/physicists at CERN are preparing to open wormholes connecting dimensions in the Universe despite pleas form Christian evangelicals who warn that this will release demonic entities into our world since Satan commands the Second Heaven.”

A month later FT 351 shows us the remains of a stone dead stone marten killed at CERN; said remains now being displayed at the Natural History Museum of Rotterdam. Evidently this marten sacrificed himself in November 20 of last year. The previous April another marten did a ditto.

Scan of part of article that appeared in March 2017 issue of Fortean Times re marten martyrs

Scan of part of article that appeared in March 2017 issue of Fortean Times re marten martyrs

Fortean analysis suggests CERN is under assault from evangelicals using marten mercenaries in an effort to prevent the Big Nasty popping through CERN’s dimensional portholes and thereby instigating End Times. This thus far not working they elected a twittery twat to end the world on their terms.

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Contacted pHantaBlog occasional reader living in vicinity of Geneva for comment. Got this back:

Locally the “stone martin” or “beach martin” is called a fouine. We have had trouble with fouines crawling into our car engines and eating electrical cables and brake lines. To the best of my knowledge they didn’t know that we worked at …, although it’s true that if they understand diplomatic plate numbering schemes that they could have figured it out.

Scan of full article from Fortean Times March 2017 issue re Fried Foutines

Scan of full article from Fortean Times March 2017 issue re Fried Foutines

The fouine on display at the museum in Rotterdam is one of two that were fried in CERN LHC-related electrical power stations over the past couple of years or so. There was also an incident of a bird (apparently a bird) dropping the remnant stub of a baguette into transformer in a place that was only accessible from above.

But I don’t actually believe that the local fauna is rising up against CERN. More likely they’re rising up against the large number of mega department blocks being built to feed the insatiable demand for housing around Geneva.

“Insatiable demand for housing around Geneva.” Sure that shouldn’t read Vancouver?

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